Merry-Go-Round

I recently learned from my blogging friend, Maxine, about the deaths of two of her friends who were murdered. My heart goes out to the family and friends of these loved ones knowing the pain they are in and will be in during the days ahead. I am praying for this dear family in their loss. Yes, even though Christians have the joy of knowing their loved ones who have trusted Christ as Savior are with Jesus, it still hurts.

After the sudden death of my first husband, I remember feeling like I was riding an out of control merry-go-round. All I wished was for somebody to let me off. I wanted someone to take me back to the time before the craziness happened and say, “It was just a bad dream.”

But it wasn’t and every day pressures and responsibilities mounted. The baby needed to be fed, groceries needed to be bought, wash needed to be done, all while my head felt like it was spinning. And even though I had the help of family and friends, I felt like I was in a fog, just going through the motions of living.

I was unable to think clearly and yet so many decisions had to be made: immediate decisions like what casket, what grave plaque, what songs at the funeral, what clothes Gerry would wear in the casket, whether it would be an open or closed casket. (I opted for closed with a picture of Gerry on top because of my young son. I didn’t want him crying out for Da-Da during the church service. Immediate family viewed Gerry at the morgue.) I let my brother-in-law pick the casket. He picked a simple slate-blue color. Simple, doe-skin I believe. Gerry would have approved. He liked things to be “simple”.

Then there was the paperwork, oh the paperwork. All this while my head was in a fog. I needed certified death certificates, (yes when those run out you need to pay to order more from the state), filing for insurance policies, an investigation into the cause of the car accident (that lasted for years), fighting for workman’s compensation (my husband died while traveling on the job), a dental bill that had to be paid for Gerry’s mouth surgery on his gums, and a tax bill to be paid (the car was in my husband’s name only) on the car that had been totaled. The list seemed to grow every day.

I really didn’t start to grieve in earnest until things settled down a bit a few months later. Then I crashed. I went away for a few days with my son and my parents and cried non-stop. I didn’t want to have to face another day, but I knew I had to. In my mind, it was sink or swim. I didn’t want to drown, so I hung onto Jesus, my life preserver, with all my might. But I never did have to worry, because Jesus was hanging on to me all along. He promised to never let go. He never has and he never will.

On her post, Maxine shared a wonderful Bible verse about times and seasons of life.

There are different seasons in life, so true. But I believe there are times that mourning and laughter can fit together during the grief process. Sound crazy?

You’re probably wondering, “Susan, what do you mean by that? Mourning and laughter don’t go together.”

That is a subject for my next post. But for now, know that people who have experienced loss feel a range of emotions. Sometimes they just want to have a “normal” moment. A time when they can try to forget their pain, even if it is only temporary and experience a few seconds of joy. Such was the time for me at the Fourth of July parade in 1992, five days after my first husband died and then again on my son’s 1st birthday two months later in September.

Until next time, know that whoever you are and wherever you are, Jesus loves you and he cares and I do too.

I am praying for you,
In Jesus’ love,
Susan