Tuesday

You Are Not Alone

I’ve heard people say writing is therapeutic. And I believe it. According to cancer survivor, Connie Pombo, who leads therapeutic writing workshops, “Studies indicate that people who wrote about traumatic events and wrote regularly, made 43% fewer doctor visits and exhibited better overall health than those who did not."

Whatever the statistics, I knew one thing after my husband Gerry died in a car accident: I had to write! I didn’t know the therapeutic benefits. I didn’t know I would one day share my private pain with others through writing. It never entered my mind. All I knew was I had to express what was going on in my head. I had to let it out somehow.

Some of what came pouring out are the words below. I’ve included an excerpt from my private journal. In sharing what I felt during those first few months, I hope to encourage you to reach out. Don’t hold it in. Share your grief and loss with someone, someone you feel safe with, someone who cares.

God bless you on your journey to hope and healing. You are not alone. I care about you and so does Jesus!


Sufficient Grace
Journal entry: Susan Irene Kelly – July 1992

I eat because I have to.
I function to exist and care for our baby boy.
I feel as though my whole life is a whirlwind.
I am caught up in a frightening tornado.
Tossed up and down, spun to and fro.
I’m spinning round and round.
I feel so out of control.
I sleep only out of sheer exhaustion.
I wake up to find my bed empty and then I feel guilty for even sleeping.
You see, my husband died the other day.
He went to work and never came home.
Instead, he was taken home to be with Jesus.
I look at the door with longing, hoping… just waiting for him to come home.
This just doesn’t seem real!
I don’t want it to be!

I laugh, but then I feel sad for living without him.
I cry, but I don’t have his shoulder to lean on.
I talk, but he’s not there to listen, to understand what I am going through.
I feel so empty and alone.
My heart feels as though it’s been ripped in two, thrown out, discarded, trampled on.
Why do I have to do these every day mundane things?
Why do I have to sleep and eat and talk and think?
I don’t want to think and sometimes I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
Some people can accept that, and yet others stare at me and expect a response, as though I should be crying right at that moment, just for them.
But I want to remember the happy times about him.
I don’t want to forget anything, but I’m afraid I might forget some small detail and somehow betray him by forgetting.
We had so much fun together. I think of all the things we did together over the years as husband and wife, and then continued to do once our precious little son was born.
I smile when I think of what we shared, the places we went, the intimate talks we had together, the time we spent in each other’s arms, silent, when no words were needed to express how we felt about each other.
Somehow, we just knew.
Yet I wish I didn’t have to remember! I wish that he was standing right here next to me, holding me, keeping me safe, hugging me, laughing with me, looking at me, teasing me, kissing me, planning with me, praying with me, encouraging me, just living with me.
I wish I had him back and I didn’t have to feel these feelings.
He was my best friend and I loved him.
But through it all, God is gracious and my Savior, Jesus Christ died to save us.
In this knowledge, I can find rest.
Therefore, I have the grace to go on and I have a peace that I just can’t understand,
a peace that passes all understanding.

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 KJV

6 comments:

Jared said...

I am so happy that God gave you strength through the years. You have done well with raising your son. I know because well, I am your son. I miss Daddy Gerry too, but God does give us strength in everything we go through. If we ask him to. Love You so much, and hey guess what, I'll probably see you in about... 30 seconds.

All the love in the world, but not quite as much as God gives,
Jared

Connie Pombo said...

Ahhh...I love what your son wrote. You are amazing, Susan. I'm so thankful for this tranquil place where people can come to share their feelings. I'm looking forward to sharing it in my newsletter (I need to get that done!). Thank you for inspiring us to turn the "ashes" of our life into beautiful new beginnings.

Blessings,

Connie

Sharon Lynne said...

I'm amazed at your faith--that it didn't waver when you went through 'the valley of the shadow'. You continued to trust! May God bless you as you reach out--through "Anna's Place".

Diane @ A Watered Garden said...

Susan, I'm new to your site but wanted to say "Hi"! I pray God blesses your endeavor to provide a place for people to gather and do the hard work of grieving. Because of my circumstances, I didn't really go through the process until about 25 years after my Mother's death. I've always felt that we often don't give people space or "permission" to grieve...because, often we just don't how or what to do or say. I will look forward to reading what the Lord lays on your heart to post here at Anna's Place. (I love the name!) Blessings, Diane (P.S. What a sweet post from your son!!)

inspired said...

Amazing Grace
how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me ;o] God bless ..

Driftwood said...

My dearest Susan, the saying 'Death ends a life not a relationship' springs to mind on reading your words.

This is a very worthwhile 'place' I feel sure will bring great understanding and comfort to many.
Bless you.