What Do You Say?

What do you say?

When we talk with people who have experienced loss, it can be awkward. We don’t want to say the wrong thing and make them feel worse. But then we don’t want to ignore them and unintentionally do the same thing.

So what do we do?

From the perspective of a former young widow raising a young son, the most meaningful thing a person could say to me was, “I am praying for you.” I can’t speak for everyone else, but those few words meant the world to me. I knew that the problems, the emotions, the fears that I was facing were being taken away from my hands and placed in the hands of Almighty God.

I have to admit, even after experiencing the other side; I still hesitate to speak with people in their grief. What if I say too much? What if I say too little? What if I say nothing at all? I certainly don’t want to add to their pain.

Here is the perfect opportunity to pray and ask, “Lord, what do you want me to do?”

Sometimes the best thing a friend could do for me was to give me a hug or a pat on the shoulder. That human touch after loss is comforting; at least it was for me. However, be aware of your relationship with that person. How well do you know them? Also, be careful of your timing. Pray for God’s wisdom.

When the police officers came to my door to give the news of my husband’s death, I sank to the middle of my living room floor, crying. One officer tried to comfort me by giving a hug. I was not ready for this stranger to do this to me. I pushed him away and said, “No, don’t touch me.”

If I were to see this man today, I would give him a hug. I understand now that he meant well. I heard later that these officers said the call to my house was one of the most difficult ones they ever had to do. Maybe it was because they were not able to find any family to come with them to break the news, although they tried.

When family finally arrived, I sank into my father’s embrace, fell into my mother’s arms, I was surrounded by my sisters and brothers, my grandparents, and extended family, and church family.

I remember in the midst of all the confusion my grandfather bending down on his knees in silent prayer. My grandfather has bad knees. He cannot lean on them, but this day was different.

Some of the most meaningful cards I received were the simple ones, cards that read “Thinking of You” or “Sharing in Your Loss” or “Praying for You”. I could read these cards over and over again in the quiet of the evening or when I was feeling down.

I don’t believe there is any “magic word” to say to one who is grieving. Each person has a different set of circumstances surrounding their loss. But the one common thing is the need for love and understanding. We can learn to stand by the person, allowing them space and time to grieve, being available for when that loved one needs a shoulder to lean on, praying them through the crazy days and the lonely nights.

When we pray for those who are hurting, we open the doors of Heaven to rain God’s peace in to their hearts and minds through Christ Jesus, just like Philippians chapter four says.

So pray. Pray again and don’t forget to keep praying for those who are grieving. Psalm 55:16-18 says, “As for me, I will call upon God, And the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon will I pray, and cry aloud. And He shall hear my voice. He has redeemed my soul in peace…”

Remember, I may not know who you are, but God does. I am praying for you. God loves you.

Sharing in your loss,
Susan